Jim and Sharon were driving on a country road on their way to visit friends at a cottage. Jim had trouble with the directions he was given and got lost. He stopped at another cottage to ask for help. Sharon criticized him mercilessly for getting lost.
When he told me what happened, I asked, “Why was she speaking so disrespectfully to you? You were trying your best.”
Jim said, “That’s the way Sharon is and there’s no changing her.”
I told Jim that maybe that was the best he expected. If he wanted Sharon to stop speaking to him that way, he had to act like he’s entitled to being spoken to respectfully and won’t accept anything less.
Everyone wants to be spoken to respectfully
In an earlier Sexual Wellness Center article, I wrote about how showing your partner respect is saying I love you. The opposite is also true. If you allow your partner to speak disrespectfully to you, they won’t feel love for you. They’ll lose respect for you. How can they respect someone who doesn’t respect themselves?
When you have boundaries on how you want to be spoken to it shows your partner you have self-respect and they will respect you for it. While it’s better to set boundaries at the beginning of a relationship when you’re both most committed, you can still set them later.
Why some people don’t set boundaries
They make excuses for their partner and think they’re being understanding. They don’t realize they’re enabling their partner to continue speaking disrespectfully to them.
They may also lack self-confidence and want to avoid conflict. Or, they just don’t know how.
You’re entitled to be spoken to respectfully
If you’re partner speaks disrespectfully to you, make them aware of the impact of how they speak to you.
Jill told her partner Glen, “I believe it’s important that both people in a relationship speak respectfully to each other. Maybe you don’t realize it, but when you speak to me the way you just did, I don’t feel respected. Speak to me respectfully. Before you say anything, think about how I will feel after you say it.”
By speaking up, Jill set boundaries and Glen realized he had to respect them.
The way that your partner speaks to you is their issue. When you see it that way, it will bother you less. Think about what it says about them. Is there an underlying reason? Is it a reflection of their insecurity or low self-esteem? Is it something you could help them overcome? Think about what they need to hear that could help them deal with the underlying cause.
Ed realized that Mary was very sensitive and spoke disrespectfully to him and other people because she feared they would speak disrespectfully to her and she would be hurt. It was like a pre-emptive strike in a war. By being disrespectful she felt she was protecting herself from others speaking disrespectfully to her.
Ed realized that what Mary needed was to be given a lot of respect and praise.
Does your partner think they are being funny and getting attention for themselves?
At first, when John would speak disrespectfully to Clara in front of other people, she would laugh it off. But after a while it was too much. She said to him, “It’s no longer funny. I don’t like it. You’re making fools of both of us. Stop it.”
He stopped.
If you are unsure of how to set a boundary, think of how you would handle situations where there is no question about not crossing a boundary.
When you’re certain something is not acceptable, you know how to calmly set boundaries. Apply that certainty to setting boundaries on how your partner speaks to you.
Speak respectfully to your partner
If you speak disrespectfully to your partner, they may feel justified in reciprocating. Be a role model of how two people in a relationship should speak to one another.
Like many things in life, the more you speak up to set boundaries with your partner on how you are spoken to, the easier it becomes.
To receive a free chapter from each of Elliott Katz’s two relationship advice books, email him: ElliottRKatz@aol.com His book Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom for men on how to imrpove your relationship which has been translated into 24 languages—shares insights on how men can improve their relationships by being an emotionally strong man that a woman loves and respects. How to Get Your Man to Wear the Pants … So You Don’t Have To: Inspiring him to make more decisions, take the lead and STOP LEAVING IT ALL TO YOU! is full of strategies on how to get a man to do his share of taking charge. If you have questions or are interested in coaching: www.ElliottKatz.com
Follow his postings on X (formerly Twitter) @Elliott_Katz.