Timelines
Q: Hi Dr. Laurie. I turned 30 a couple years ago and I’m still not sure if I want kids, though I’m leaning toward yes. With all my friends trying to have kids, and worrying about their biological clocks, including some who have had trouble conceiving for years on ends, it’s at the front of my mind.
I know it’s something I A) have to decide for sure and B) discuss with my partner (we’ve been together seven years). Since we started dating so young-ish, we didn’t really have the important conversations about goals for our relationship, and then years passed in the blink of an eye.
So, soon after I turned 30, I decided to kill two birds with one stone and ask him if he wants kids. He said he didn’t really know. I asked him if he’d ever want to get married. He said he’d never really thought about it. I asked him if he wanted to be with me in the long run, and he said he had no intention of breaking up.
I told him that if we were to one day want to have kids, it’s something we’d have to address and plan for pretty soon. He said he wasn’t really comfortable making a plan like that til he graduated from his masters program. Well, he graduated. I asked again and he said he wasn’t comfortable planning anything until he got a job. Well, he got a job. Rinse and repeat. Said he wasn’t comfortable planning anything until he’d paid off some debt from school and was in a better place financially.
I understand where he’s coming from—but at the same time, two years have passed since I first approached the conversation. I’m 32, the same age my older sister started trying to conceive—and it took her multiple years, and unfortunately, miscarriages and fertility treatments along the way.
And it’s not just kids. I think I would like to get married. I’d like to plan my future and make a plan—even if we don’t start doing any of the steps in that plan right away! To use a terrible phrase, I need him to shit or get off the pot. Or at least, commit to shitting. How do you move a relationship forward with someone who seems to enjoy being stuck?
A: I don’t blame you for feeling frustrated! 7 years is a long time to wait for a plan. Is it possible your partner is feeling conflicted? That he is just comfortable with the status quo? That the future scares him? Unfortunately, with your advancing age, and if you want the option to have children, a decision has to be made. Remember that you are the most important in your life. You need to make decisions that work for you. It may be time to do a few sessions with a couples therapist to clarify both your positions and come to a conclusion.
Doing Things Together
Q: I have recently decided that my drinking is a problem for me. I’ve always had impulse control issues and have previously quit smoking pot. It was a struggle but I got through it and my life is way better as a result. Well, now I’ve decided to tackle drinking, which has been a part of my life since my teens. The drawbacks far outweigh the benefits, and I’ve tried to do Dry January before but often failed when tempted.
Now, I know that’s not your realm of expertise, but my issue here is with my girlfriend of five years. We live together and she saw how my life improved when I quit weed. Often when I’d complain during a hangover that drinking was awful for me, she’d say “me too.” So, I thought we were on the same page, and I told her I wanted to stop drinking and expected her to enthusiastically agree. Well, she said she doesn’t want to stop drinking. When I asked her if she’d consider it for me, she said I was selfish. I was already miffed, but I decided to poke the bear further and ask if she’d not drink around me in public or at home. I don’t think it’s a big ask. She has an active social life and works downtown, where I don’t have a lot of friends (hence, when I go out, it’s with her) and work from home. She said she didn’t know if that would be possible, and why should she deprive herself of having a drink when we’re out at dinner.
To me, the issue is pretty black and white. I think her reaction was messed up. But I don’t know if I’m overreacting. Am I asking too much?
A: You can only ask change of yourself. If you really want to stop drinking, you absolutely should and do what it takes to lead a healthier life. Of course, having a partner that supports this is important and will help to stick to your plan. You may find that in your sobriety, being around people who are not sober will be very difficult, and this may cause problems in your relationship. I recommend you start with Alcoholics Anonymous where you can discuss this issue with others who may have experienced a similar situation. Best of luck to you on your road to sobriety!